The Deeper Reason You May Not Like Anyone

The Deeper Reason You May Not Like Anyone

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Those with unresolved trauma may find it hard to feel safe around others.

 

 

 

Key points

• According to the teory hof inferred attraction, we like people whom we think like us.


• If we don't feel safe around people, we won't like them.


• To like people more, it's important to savor signals of safety from them


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  The Path Forward

  
  Our past wounds impel us to scan for signals of threats and ignore those of safety. Thus, to feel safe around others and like them more, we must scan for signs of safety.
  
  Rick Hanson, a psychologist who studies neuroplasticity, created the H.E.A.L. model to help people rewire their brains to feel safer and happier. It involves, essentially, attending to and savoring moments of safety that our threat-saturated brain would typically ignore. Hanson argues that what is state becomes trait, or, in other words, the more we scan for safety, the more our brain will do so automatically.
  
  
  To practice H.E.A.L., intentionally attend to what’s safe. Don’t let good moments pass by without focusing on them. Here are the first three steps of H.E.A.L. (the last is optional, so I'll review only the first three).
  
  
  
  • Have a beneficial experience. Signals of safety don’t have to be substantial, like someone driving you to the hospital after you broke your arm. They can be tiny—someone smiled at you, held the door, validated your feelings, flashed you kind eyes, texted you to check in, congratulated you, or even liked your social media post. Notice these experiences.
  
  
  • Enhance the experience by doing things like pausing to savor the joy of it or upping the intensity of the positive feeling. Soften and open to its positivity. Let it stir something in you.
  
  
  • Absorb the positive experience by picturing it melting into your body.
  
  
  
  

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